If the Mantra Fits

A soft knit toque is what makes me stop the busyness for a moment and write. There is so much, so very much. I was sure I had lost it. It was not on the floor of the cafe where I stopped for a dreamy cappuccino with nice friends on the cold morning, mid-run in wind and drizzle. It was not in my pocket and not in my bag, not along the sidewalk. Lost. Oh well. I let go, made it feel okay that it was lost. And now, a day later, it is beside my jacket at home where I threw my jacket after coming inside toqueless at the end of my run. There is always a real world explanation. It was probably stuck in my jacket's collar. But the momentary joy that swept through my entire body upon seeing it there,was miracle. What is lost can come back. The haunting line in The Kiterunner, "Come back. It can be made right again". I held the toque to my chest. I'll wear it more thankfully on today's run. But before putting my soft knit toque on my head, I'll try to recreate Friday night. Adam and I seem to have, in our own quiet ways, found ourselves in positions here in Israel where we are called upon to make changes in the fabric of how people live their lives. Kids at summer camp used to nickname him Buddha. And now, his tools for focus and the bringing about of a sphere of calm around him, is both useful in his own work, and helping me in mine. His work needs pinpoint focus, detachment from ego, a quiet center, and stillness within. Just before Shabbat, a teacher reminded me by email that I had suggested we help our kids on the autism spectrum to take on phrases for calming themselves when they get out of control. I was in the middle of responding, when Adam arrived for Friday night. Yes, mantras, Adam said, and proceeded not simply to give me beautiful examples in Hebrew regarding calming the fire within, not putting out the fire, but mastering it. Don't forget to breathe. Adam took me further, showing me how I can help each child know the colour of his anger, the size of it, the location on his body where he feels the anger. He showed me how a person can cultivate mastery over the feeling, make it bigger or smaller at will. He showed me how to help each child find out their own power animal, and use this animal as a mentor. I realized that the mantra for calming will come from each child individually. I heard my own calming mantras from Mommy, "Don't worry", "you gotta take the bitter with the better", and most nurturing of all, "you look after my girl". Me weeks away from turning 60, and "You look after my girl, ya hear?" centres me. And so, I will help each child choose a project, calming cards, or a power animal to mentor them, a mantra, a mandala wheel of calming choices, a stoplight of red for stop, yellow for breathe and calm, green for plan a solution and do it. For now, I'll put on my soft knit toque. It's not that this is the best toque in the world. It is that it is my toque, the one that fits the shape of my head.